


I Forgive You

by themakarabastard (autisticvantas)



Series: Abuse and Recovery [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, M/M, TW: Blood, TW: animal cruelty, tw: abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 17:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4271583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autisticvantas/pseuds/themakarabastard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matthew 6:9-15<br/>Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.<br/>Give us today our daily bread.<br/>Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.<br/>And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.<br/>For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.<br/>But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Forgive You

Your name is Kankri Vantas. You are seven and you love candy and you don't like being called a chicken. Especially not by your brother. So when he dares you to take the Hershey bar from the candy display next to the checkout, you do it, because Kankri Vantas is NOT a chicken.  
When you get outside you are afraid because you STOLE and that is so bad you could go to kid jail and it's ALL KARKAT'S FAULT. You yell this in the parking lot and Karkat pouts and papa blinks in surprise before holding out a silent hand for the candy bar. You hand it to him, and he takes you back inside and makes you talk to the manager and the manager mutters something about Mexicans but you don't know many words in English. It sounds mean, but your papa says nothing so you don't either. The manager says cops and Mexicans and danger and you cry because papa won't tell you what the man is saying but it sounds a lot like you are leaving home for jail forever and ever and you ask papa if the jail they are taking you to will be scary and his eyes are very sad but he tells you that he will not let you go to jail. He will die before that happens, and you believe him.  
He is disappointed in you, you know he is, and you cry apologies to him and tell him it will never happen again, and papa smiles kindly, holds you close, and tells you ‘I forgive you’.

Your name is Kankri Vantas. You are ten, and you have just made a new friend.  
No one really likes you, no matter how hard you try to be likeable. They don't understand your thick accent and the other kids parents tell them you're disgusting and bad and evil. You don't know why, but it's how things are, so you just swing on the swings at recess by yourself and eat lunch alone and try very very hard to make other kids like you.  
So when the new boy comes up to you confidently and introduces himself, you light up. You tell him your name, and he laughs. He tells you your accent is funny. You turn red, but he says he'll put up with it, and it makes you brighten up again. He sits next to you at the empty lunch table, and has you give him your dessert your papa made just for you. When you hesitate, he tells you that's what friends do. Reluctantly, you give him the tiny piece of chocolate cake. You had more at home anyway, and you really wanted a friend. He takes a big bite, and makes a face before spitting it out.  
"That's disgusting!" He tells you, looking upset. You whisper a tiny, tiny 'I'm sorry, Cronus....' He glares at you for a second before saying. "It's fine. You're still learning after all. I forgive you." You're not sure what he means by 'learning' but it scares you a little bit.

Your name is Kankri Vantas. You are thirteen years old, and you are a witness to a murder.  
He tells you it was the neighbor's cat and it had driven him mental for weeks with its meowing and wasn't it so cool how the blood rushes out and dries a rusty, ugly red on the floor of the shed in the backyard. You ask him if he had done this before while staring nervously at the other suspicious stains on the floor. He replies, don't worry. Only with frogs before this. The words are meant to be comforting but they spill like tar all over your opinion of him. You flinch away from the poison words, and Cronus looks hurt. You apologize, give him a smile, and only admit to part of your issue with what he is doing: you are squeamish around blood. He listens to your apologies, and his face is blank.  
And he tells you, ‘I forgive you’

Your name is Kankri Vantas. You are 17 and you're not certain your boyfriend is supposed to make you feel this way.  
Everything is so wrong with you. You aren't good enough for him.  
Stop talking, Kankri.  
Stop eating so much, Kankri.  
Don't you want to be good enough for me, Kankri?  
You do, of course you do, and you stop talking. Stop eating so much. People who know you are concerned, but also comment that it's nice that you're not filling a room with words and, how being so thin suits you.  
But sometimes you slip.  
When the two of you are alone, he stops cutting you off with words and instead with a hand around your throat.  
You can barely gasp out apologies, ashamed and upset you let him down again, but he's so kind.  
He always says, "I forgive you."

Your name is Kankri Vantas. You are twenty one and today you're getting married. Everyone is so happy for you, but it is hard to focus on anything when there is a terrible pain in your back from the other night. Cronus had kicked you in the middle of your spine after shoving you over. But he's happy now and that is all you care about. You socialize with your family and friends, everyone feeling the need to say 'Congratulations' or 'Good luck' or even something disgusting like 'Don't break the bed!'. You don't see your husband hardly at all, he's busy with his old friends and his family. Finally, before it's over, you gather your nerve, going to tell him last night was overboard, you didn't deserve it. You catch him at the bar, getting a shot of whiskey. Your first words are 'Look, about last night-' and his first words make your nerves of steel shrivel up and crawl into hiding.  
He says, 'Don't worry. I forgive you. '

Your name is Kankri Vantas. You are twenty two years old and you are the pastor of the church your papa was the pastor of and he is so proud. Karkat tells you that his profession is better, but there is a smile on his lips and a look in his eye and you know that he is proud of you too. This is a happy day, and nothing can ruin it, nothing.  
He pulls you aside, from where you were talking happily with Karkat's husband, and you apologize briefly to him before Cronus pulls you into the bathroom and locks the door before backhanding you across the face. His rings cut your cheek open in several places.  
He tells you he knows what you're doing. You don't want to stay with him. If you did you would have been with him all night instead of leaving him to stand in the corner by himself. You shakily say you tried to get him to talk to your family, and he pulls you by your hair, brings your face close to his. He tells you he doesn't share, and he drops you to the floor. You apologize profusely, you swear your loyalty. His eyes are cold and unfeeling, and his smile reminds you of a shark. He tells you, ‘I forgive you’.

Your name is Kankri Vantas. You are twenty three when you knew what fear really was.  
He came into the little closet you turned into an office so he could have the guest room as his. He looks happier than usual, and you are confused as to why, but you are happy that he is happy. If Cronus is happy, it means everything might be nice for the night. He asks you if people who you confess secrets to in confessionals keep the secrets between the two of you. You tell him it's mostly between the sinner, or rather, the confessor and God, but yes. You cannot say anything to anyone. You wonder where his sudden interest in your job came from. He asks if he could confess to you and you smile and nod, turning a little more towards him. You tell him of course, of course he can. You regret saying that, now. He moves the hand he was holding open the door with and reveals a knife, one that you knew was from your own kitchen. A chefs knife, one of the ones that have remained sharp despite the near constant use. It is covered in blood that has gone tacky long ago, and your eyes go wide and your muscles are frozen with fear. He smiles at your look of terror and then laughs. He tells you he's been doing it for years. Taking a prostitute off of the street corners every month and cutting them up into nice, itty, bitty pieces. They would never be found. You gag, wanting to throw up and he gets angry at you for it, and you whisper apologies and he frowns and tells you, ‘I forgive you’.

Your name is Kankri Vantas. You are twenty six, and it is three hours until your birthday. The officer in front of you sets down papers very carefully. You look at them. They are pictures of women. He asks you if you know who they are. You shake your head. There are dozens of photos. And you do not know anyone in them. Except, that one. That was Latula. You tell the officer she was your friend.  
And he tells you she is dead.  
Your heart stops. You laugh nervously. You had seen her yesterday, he must be joking ... right?  
Oh god. Cronus. Cronus had been angry, telling you he knew you were flirting with her. He had thrown you into the kitchen wall and let you slump down it, kicked you in the stomach while you laid there. The officer just stares at you, waiting for you to say something, but you can't say anything. All you can do is cry because you knew what happened. It had to be Cronus, it had to be. You tell him that Cronus had been upset with him over Latula, you tell the officer everything you can. His old habits. The way he treats you. But you tell him sorry, you cannot say any more. You tell him that they have permission to search the apartment the two of you share for anything, just don't let him near you now. He cannot know what you said, please, don't tell him. He nods. You repeat your apologies and ask to see a priest. The officer smiles at you and tells you they can arrange it, and your help was greatly appreciated.  
The priest is kind, and patient with you and you cry and cry and tell him how badly you want to tell them what Cronus has told you, shown you. The priest is a third party, has no idea who Cronus is, barely knows who you are, but he is there and he tells you that you did the right thing. You apologize for getting his shirt wet from your tears and he smiles kindly and says ‘I forgive you’.

Your name is Kankri Vantas. You are twenty seven and you are being accused of being an accomplice to a murderer. To Cronus. They cannot do anything, because he confessed to you in confidentiality, but that does not stop you from being hated for not saying anything.  
No one understands.  
Karkat comes by your new (empty so empty and blank and dead) apartment and he brings his husband and a black eye so terrible your own eye throbs in sympathetic pain.  
You ask him what happened and he tell you it was nothing. It is very obviously something and he finally tells you that someone mistook him for you the other day and nailed him in the face. You cry, and he is right there next to you. You sob your apologies, for how foolish you were and how blind and he waits until you are all cried out and he clears your face of the mess of tears and he holds you close.  
And he says ‘I forgive you’.

Your name is Kankri Vantas. You are twenty eight, and you gave in to the urge to visit your husband. He has not filed for divorce, and neither have you. This is the first time he had seen you since he was imprisoned, in a high security mental ward. For the criminally insane. You take the time to wonder if this place is actually better than prison.  
You are hesitant at the counter, and the woman looks bored. You want to cry. Finally you manage to choke out that you would like to see Cronus Ampora. The woman raises her eyebrow at this. Asks you if you're one of those ‘damn journalists’. You show her your ring and ID with shaky hands and tell her you're married to him. She gives you a pitying look, asks you if you're sure you want to see him. You need to, you have to see him. You need closure. You need to know he's okay. Even though he was terrible, he had been sweet at times, and he did love you, you think. So she has someone take you to a small booth, with table and a chair on either side, but the table is bisected by a thick piece of glass. There is a phone on both sides to talk through and your anxiety is climbing. You should have asked Karkat to come. But it's too late, you can see him, and he looks much different. Thinner, less confident. You wave a bit to him, and he sneers. You wince, pick up the phone. He scowls, but does the same.  
“I s'pose yer here to deliver the divorce papers.” He sounds the same as he used to and it sends your mind into a panic.  
“I-I- no I'm n-not. Just wanted t-to see y-you.” He shifts.  
“Well damn, that's the only reason I came down.” You flinch.  
“I-I'm sorry. For telling them. I-I was s-scared.” His fist moves, fast, cracking into the glass. It is too thick to break but there is definitely a thin crack in it that had not been there before.  
“That was unforgivable. I knew ya were weak but I always forgave ya for it but that. I will never forgive you.”

**Author's Note:**

> should be edited every so often  
> follow my tumblr, themakarabastard ;)


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